Friday, July 20, 2007

This Week's Challenge: What is this man thinking?


This Week's Challenge:
What is this man thinking?
"Damn this iches... must have been that hitch-hiker I picked up the other day. Last time I do anyone else a favor."-
in Quagmire voice
(Benji)

“Ya'll know me still the same ol' G- But I been low key, Hated on by most these niggas Wit no cheese, no deals and no G's, no wheels and no keys, No boats, no snowmobiles and no ski's” (Dana)

"If you only knew what was going on underneath my petticoat" (B-Rad)
.
"Once again, nobody told me that it was picture day today.... what a bunch of commi bastards!" (Gerry)
.
Okay so, while sitting here, waiting for my portrait...run through tomorrow's speech one more time..."This is where they fought the battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fighting the same fight that we are still fighting among ourselves today. This green field right here, painted red, bubblin' with the blood of young boys. Listen to their souls, men. You listen, and you take a lesson from the dead. If we don't come together right now on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed, just like they were. I don't care if you like each other of not, but you will respect each other. And maybe... I don't know, maybe we'll learn to play this game like men." Using the stand-by good versus evil and historical consequences of the racial segregation horrors to symbolize our plight is genius, PURE GENIUS!
(Big E)

Friday, July 13, 2007

Top 5 Euphemisms for Sex at the Stampede

Top 5 Euphemisms for Sex overheard at the Calgary Stampede

Ellisa -In no particular order...

5. I was riding her so hard last night that she got some real saddle burn between those milky inner thighs.
4. I roped those calves up so tight I could toss her anyway I wanted.
3. I rode him like all stallions need to be; hard, stern and unrelenting. I broke him in!
2. I was bucked off a real bull last night. He tossed me around like I was a rag doll
1. That pony did not know what hit her last night. I Brokeback Mounted her from dusk 'til dawn.

Gerry:

5. Go Brokeback (in ref. to gay sex only)
4. Eat the meat (AAA Alberta beef)
3. Rock the ranch
2. Drill for oil
1. Ride my Pony

Dana:

5. The horizontal two-step
4. I wouldn’t mind a little cowpoke
3. Once I got her out of ‘them Wranglers it was Fergalishous – proving the universality of this term
2. Beef: It’s what’s for dinner!
1. I Dwight Yokeled her

Kevin:

5. slap my reins and tie me with a lasso, Im your wild thing tonight!
4. you want to pet my steed?
3. You want to disappear to our own rodeo?
2. Don't pull my reins unless you're on my saddle.
1. Buck me like a bronco!

The new royalty has arrived

It starts. We are sitting on the edge of a media torrent that will parallel this spring’s Anna Nicole Smith debacle and we don’t even realise it. With Brad Pitt’s split from the almost perfect Jennifer Aniston and hook up with Do Gooder (therefore boring) Angelina Jolie, the throne of king and Queen of Hollywood has been abdicated. Luckily, the British X-popstar and handsome footballer have Touched down in LA to fill the bronzed god/anorexic and talentless celebrity void (this story was featured in the sports section on CBC this morning).

So be prepared for the onslaught of paparazzi stalking and aggravatingly banal coverage of their day to day lives, in all shitty dailies, and heinous entertainment programs. Don’t do it Rick the Temp, you used to be cool- am dating myself by alluding to the fact that I was around when Rick was just a temp at Much Music, before he got too old and had to take his black painted fingernails to Extra Canadian addition? (Shudder) Sidebar- I don’t have cable but with the assistance of bunny ears can receive 4 channels, I don’t understand how one of those terrible shows is always on, who is watching this crap? I can think of 1 million things I would rather do, including: testing all the shampoo in my shower to see which ones are actually tear free.

Anyways, back to Victoria Beckham or should I call her Posh Spice.... Duhh Dun Dhunnnn.... that's right my friends, most of us knew her as the “fashionable” aka least talented Spice Girl... Does anyone else find irony in the fact that she was supposed to be “posh” in a pop group that was manufactured; where, I am fairly certain, she didn’t get to make her own fashion choices? What really surprises me however, is that she has really stuck with it- if I was a not so integral part of a cultural phenomenon that had run its course, I would put as much distance between myself and that persona as possible; however, Posh took it the opposite direction and kicked it up about 8 notches. There is nothing that makes me more agitated than our society worshiping a celebrity that has absolutely no valid claim to fame (Paris Hilton). At least David Beckham has a skill -what is Victoria’s: sitting still for hair and makeup?

Am I the only one surprised at their move to LA? I would like to know the strategy behind this manoeuvre. I always thought that Britain had an elitist culture industry, isn’t Hollywood a step down?

Possible reasons for moving: Money? I can’t see it being that I’m sure they already swim in a pool of gold coins like Uncle Scrooge. Soccer? Why would you move from Europe where fans form gangs they are so obsessive to a country where nobody cares about your sport? So, by process of elimination the only other answer is: Prestige- if you can call having the minute details of your life snooped at by a population that believes CSI to be credible and UFC to be a sport. David and Victoria want to be the world’s hottest couple and they just can’t get there while trapped on that little island. Ouch England: do you realise how big a slight that is? I guess the sun does set on the English Empire after all.

So, I wonder how long until I barf a little in my own mouth as a result of the excessive media coverage- a few weeks, a month? I guess it isn’t all bad, I am sure we will all welcome the break from Lindsay Lohan’s party girl debauchery and Paris Hilton’s fatuous behaviour and vapid demeanour.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

T-Shirts make me Happy



So yesterday I was reunited with my all time favourite T-shirt: the Matt Costa. I experienced a rush of euphoria as I held it up to myself and a flood of warm memories washed over me. In my elation I shouted down the hall at Ellisa, “Isn’t it so beautiful?” to which she replied, “It’s just a t-shirt”.

What is it about a good t-shirt?

I realised that I belong to a very small sect of society; some people love their lulu lemon, some love their hoodies, I love my t-shirts. And I am not alone; I know there are certain ones of you out there that can identify with me. I have run into such lovers over the years but this bond we share seems to be unspoken.

One such person is my childhood friend, Chris Boultbee - if you ever get the chance to meet this elusive character consider yourself to be among the privileged few. Boultbee is one of those people that enters your life and is truly an experience to meet even if it’s only a fleeting visit. Last summer, the Delta House was blessed by the Boultbee charm as he shocked Tracey’s Grandparents when he turned up on our deck (hair a mop of blond jejune curls and missing a tooth).

I remember us all hanging out as we would, for long hours on the deck, beyond the last burst of red as the sun sunk below the skyline. I remember the laughter, the stories, the cocktails, the Rolling Stones, mostly the times between friends. I also remember Boultbee, who has no permanent address, who likes wrestling with dogs and named his cat Trogdor, saying toTracey with 100% sincerity, “I like your t-shirt”. I never knew that Boultbee noticed things like fashion on girls and I still don’t think he does, rather I think that he can enjoy the simplicity of a good t-shirt. And it is a good one - her canary yellow Diet 7up t-shirt that she spent way too much on but has paid itself of exponentially- a true t-shirt lover knows it is always worth it.

My second story involves my friend Brett. I am unable to describe Brett in a few sentences so those that know him know his practicality and anal retentiveness in almost all areas of life. The t-shirt category is no different except that Brett refuses to wear t-shirts from stores. It must have been after grade twelve when Bretty graduated from the waffle shirt to the t-shirt, and we were all glad to see some sort of print on his muscular (haha) frame. The great aspect to his t-shirts is that they are usually found or stolen. When I think of Brett I can only picture him in one of 3 shirts, the Hog Farmer shirt which I think he stole from someone, the Lions Head shirt that he got from his local pub and his newest and heaviest in rotation: the Beaverdell shirt, which he traded the t-shirt of his back (belonging to our friend Cam) to a vagabond who likely hadn’t washed in weeks, mid bar. This is classic behaviour of a t-shirt lover, trading your friends t-shirt off your back for a good one that likely has its own ecosystem living in it.

I got to thinking about fashion and clothing and appearances and all that that entails. I thought about how when I see someone with a good t-shirt like: Wax on Wax off or Science Rules! it puts a smile on my face. I realised that to some it doesn’t matter what you display on your chest, but to others, your careful selection can mean an instant camaraderie (Example: the Unsolved Mysteries t-shirt from a few weeks ago and anyone wearing a CBC t-shirt). I used to have this little boy’s t-shirt that announced, “Free Hugs” it had a bear on it with outstretched arms, then I grew boobs and could no longer wear it, yet I still think about it and how it always got a reaction. First impressions matter, and the messages you wear do make an impact.

Oh the power of a clever tee!

So, to all of you that have never given it a thought, every time you put on an American Eagle shirt that boasts: "Costa Rica" remember that what you are wearing is delivering a message. Do you really want someone to ask you about your trip to Costa Rica and have to respond that you actually picked it up at the mall? Did Roxy or Quicksilver ever pay you to advertise for them? Don’t let them ride your coattails of coolness. Often the best t-shirts are found when scouring the dense underbrush of thrift stores. These gems were originally worn in a different capacity and take on new meaning a decade or so later... plus everything is exponentially cooler when it costs a dollar-that’s a fact, don’t argue it’s science.


Our society is superficial and we will always be judged, I implore you not to be defined by what you wear but rather define yourself in your own terms and dress accordingly. So, be clever, be original and have a goal of making someone smile.

Here is a site for the T-shirt lover. Threadless




Friday, June 29, 2007

Top 5 Favourite Alcoholic Beverages


Ben’s List

5. Mojito
4. Really cold Beer (mostly Budweiser/Kokanee)

3. CC and G
2. Rum or whiskey and Coke with lime (the classic)

1. Jager-Bombs!!!

Dana’s List

5. Corona with a lime – beer should be very cold day should be very hot
4. Sangria – lots of oranges, pineapple, grapes and strawberries, fruit is fun!
3. Tequilla – shot of choice, mainly because it is followed by a lime
2. Red Wine – Copious amounts accompanied by the Office- especially good out of the Bordeaux glasses
1. Gin and Tonic extra lime

Tracey’s List

5) Sex on the beach - this is an honourable mention, really. In honour of all the wicked hangovers Dana had to endure first year due to our copious consumption of this drink.


4) Ellisa's rum hot chocolate - absolutely orgasmic.

3) Gin and tonic - the good old standby. Perfect for "after work" (leading to drinking all night) cocktails.

2) Jager bombs - always brings it up a notch. Always.

1) Red Wine - No question. My excessive love for red wine becomes obvious in my tendency to vomit after casually hanging out with friends and a "glass" of wine. Or perhaps that shows my lack of self control. who knows.

Tamara’s List

5. Keg party beer - so disgusting yet strangely homey. Perhaps due to all of the nights in 1st/2nd/3rd/4th year that I spent throwing this stuff up.


4. Homemade cosmopolitans - memories of my first trip to Vancouver - Ang begging to be let into the bar, Dana locking herself in the bathroom.

3. Corona - Despite the questionable pee/ beer ratio, this beer makes me feel like Tiajuana. Which is a good thing. I love Mexico.

2. Sangria - I love Mexico. And my birthday Sangria set. And everything to do with wine. "What's the best kind of drink?" "A PITCHER of drinks!"

1. Killer Kool-Aid. At the beach. In a tanker. With a glow straw. The entire summer after first year was spent with one of these in my hand. It was trashy, yet beautiful in it's own neon way.

Ange’s List

5. Vodka cran
4. Other blender drinks
3. Margaritas

2. Red Wine
1. Gin and soda
I'm not that peticular though, basically I just like to drink.

Gerry’s List

5) Lemoncello - normally a refreshing Italian liquor which is sipped on and served ice cold... however, in 1st year University I didn't understand the concept of sip and pounded back an entire 26er in one evening. Needless to say I woke up upside down hanging off the edge of my bed with no memory of the night before. I've yet to touch the stuff since then.

4) Vodka and water - after quitting my job at the Keg (which was way overdue) my buddies decided to take me out for drinks. I chose vodka and water. The problem started when the other bartenders I was working with made my drinks. These vodka and waters consisted of 3/4 vodka and 1/4 water. My night finished off with me making out with the bosses cousin, biking home through busy traffic, passing out in my bathroom and smashing my head on the floor and bleeding all over my bed.

3) Mojitos - had the ones at Havana’s and liked them a lot.

2) Red Wine - a classic

1) Beer - No matter where you are in the world its the best drink to have on a hot summers day!!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Jack White is cool personified.

What is Black and White and Red all over?

So is it possible to have an equal crush on both Jack and Meg White? Because I seriously do. I thought I was more into Jack but then Meg got up to the mic and belted out In the Cold Cold Night, a throaty ballad and I was enraptured. (If you look up enraptured on dictionary.com the sample sentence is: We were enraptured by her singing. No Joke) She has this Deep South beauty to her, she reminds me of a magnolia with her creamy skin and careless dark tresses. I think what really intrigues me is how she exudes this sensation of cool complacence, a calm that has almost a peaceful effect- which is a strange juxtaposition at a concert with such energy.



And Jack. Wow. I think what truly gets me is passion; it doesn’t matter what it is, if you love doing it and do it with everything you have it drives me crazy. To see him toss an errant smile out into the crowd and stop mid-lyric just to say “Hey” to someone- you can tell he is loving it. To feel the energy of a true performer, who wants to be there more than you do, and who has the power to stir a mass in such a positive way is a rare experience. Actually being present for the riff from Seven Nation Army was an inexplicably monumental sensation. He is on another level, a level of genius; which he allows you a glimpse of, fleetingly, through his artistic creativity and vision.

The events that lead up to this phenom unfolded in a somewhat cosmic way. It was if they were strategically manoeuvred around the White Stripes.

Sunday morning: I am awoken by pounding rain on my window. All day the weather flirts with the possibility of clearing up but remains cantankerous.

Sunday afternoon: We depart for the concert armed with garbage bags as extra rain protection. By the time we reach the skytrian my shoes and jeans are already soaked from the torrential downpour. We are all grouchy… and doubting the worth of the concert in regards to our water laden trek. We arrive at Deer Lake Park, the line to enter the concert is all the way down to the road … we wait and wait … it rains and rains.

We are told that umbrellas are not permitted in the venue and must be left outside. Someone has abandoned their umbrella in the crotch of a very moist and gnarled tree. Tracey and I decide to wedge her umbrella as well as another that we find into various cavities, creating a real life Umbrella Tree.

After an hour and a half we gain entry. The clouds crack open and roll away; the sun, held at a distance all day, makes a much appreciated appearance. There is an air of tension hanging over the concert grounds, it feels like the buzz of electricity - but sans electricity, the buzz is being created by fervent people.

Despite the rain people have come in White Stripes appropriate dress, including men’s red western wear complete with white tassel fringe and girls in big floppy red and white sun hats. I am disappointed that I dressed for rain instead of coolness…. I did roll with red and white papers however.

So Jack and Meg appear and the crowd immediately compresses into about half the size and cacophonous cheering erupts from everywhere. The intensity level is apparent right from the start and our soggy feet are a distant memory. Icky Thump comes up and the crowd goes crazy for it and Jack is loving the reaction. My friend leans over to me and says, “This is already worth it and it is only the third song!” The crowd is regaled by the line up both new and old. Jolene is sung with such tortured intensity, I am sure Dolly would be proud; and from the new album, I’m Slowly Turning into You demanded veneration. Hotel Yorba is fun and playful and on numerous occasions we take part in massive sing-a-longs.

As each songs ends we stand posed like children, waiting, eyes wide and attention focused on what’s coming next. It is not just about the music, it is also about the spectacle. Every detail contributes to the story; every element builds towards the White Stripes experience. The duo performed in front of an ardent red wall and as the night progresses their daunting black shadows were cast upon it. Their pseudo brother/sister relationship left spectators pondering, especially as Jack lovingly glances towards Meg and sings to her throughout the concert. We are allowed a glimpse of the rocker world when the lights directed over the crowd are switched on bathing us in a hot red glow. It is almost like we are in a time warp, but what era I can’t pin down.

They end and it feels like they have just started, I am not sure if this is some weird aspect of the show or if they are actually done. The masses holler and cheer for their return, and our wishes are granted. They launch into Seven Nation Army which brings new life to the already epic concert.

Jack White is cool personified.

The climax, for me, was when I was pleasantly blind sighted by We’re Going To Be Friends. I felt like I was about four years old and had been wrapped up in a blanket made of sunshine and love. Is that possible? How can you make another human being feel that way through music? It was the most pure and innocent … winsome even, musical moment of my life. So, for that especially I thank the White Stripes, what an incredible show. I feel so fortunate to have witnessed another’s genius and been moved accordingly. I am so happy that Vancouver was the first stop of the tour, having no knowledge of what was coming made it all the more intense.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Top 5 Names You Would Not Give to Your Children

Tamara’s List

5. Gertrude (shudder)
4. Jorge - pronounced the Spanish way

3. Billy
2. Anything starting in La (LaTisha, LaShonda, etc.)
1. Eunice

Ellisa’s List

5. Junior. There is a student in my tutorial with this name. How evil are his parents? Forever relegating him to a status of inferiority. I bet that this kid will forever fall into paternalistic relationships.

4. Amanda. Ugh, Amanda McDonald; this bitch from elementary school. She would cry in class, steal my hook (oh yea, you all know. Hook spots are coveted) and one time told the teacher I was cheating on a spelling test, when in fact, I had not. Here's what happened: I had been practicing the spelling of the words beforehand on my hand. But when it came time to write the test, I didn't look at my hand. Well, Amanda and her big fat mouth told Ms. Feth that I had cheated, who in turn called my mother to break the news. When my mom confronted me, I was so upset to have been accused of this atrocity that I balled, not cried, balled. So much so, I remember my brother and the pets crowding around me with looks of concern on their faces. Fuck I hated Amanda.

3. Justin. Really, who does not know a Justin that they just don't like? The name even gets caught in your mouth; abrasive and blunt. I went to school with a plethora of Justins. Man, the 80s, full of Justins, Jennifers, Jonathans, Jessicas and Jasons. Seriously.

2. Erma and Elma. My two grandmothers. These poor women, what ugly names! How do you overcome that? Upon hearing it you can't help but cringe a little. First impressions all out the window. Rough. All I can say is, THANK GOD my mother is not a traditionalist, because my life would have been shitty. Who goes out of their way for an Erma or Elma? For pity, yes, but nothing else.

1. Michael Bolton.

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.


Brad’s List



5. Muffy ***Dana's Note: My name for the first two years of my life was Muffy-short for Muffin, and when I am reintroduced to old friends of my parents they often exclaim "So this is Muffy all grown up!!"
4. Dick
3. Bambi
2. Oprah
1. Adolph Hitler

Dana’s List

5. Alfred- My fathers middle name and the creepy looking guy in the game Guess Who
4. Christ
3. Moses
2. Jehovah – possibly the ugliest on top of the cult affiliation
1. Jesus

Ben’s List

5. Harmony (or some stupid hippie name like that).

4. Moe
3. Edna (terrible)
2. Damien (not since the omen)
1. Jesus (pronounced Hey-zeus apparently)

Ange's List

5. Bermuta Treeagle
4. Sigfreed
3. Gagmond (or whatever that guy Brad knows is named, i'm thinking lord of the rings but its not coming to me)

2. Dontario (Dan claims that he has actually heard this)
1. Perogee Weber (this is a long running joke between us)

PK's BDay Fun!

PK's BDay Fun!
BFF aeaeaeaeae

Lightbright part deux

Lightbright part deux
XMas Styles

Lightbright!

Lightbright!
Yes I am 24 and I enjoy playing with a lightbright.

Golden Halloween

Golden Halloween
Trophy tops

3D Glasses are cool